Do you ever just sit in the dark and think about the special person who is no longer in your world?
I will never forget that morning. I was asleep around 5 a.m. when the cats began meowing, and that’s what woke me. Desiree’s room is about ten steps away from mine. It was still dark as I walked over there, half-awake, just trying to figure out what they needed. The cat tree was in her room, and I was looking for a bowl to give them some food.
I had no idea what I was walking into.
There are moments in life that divide everything into before and after. That morning was one of them. It’s something I replay in my mind, even when I try not to. The quiet, the darkness, the feeling that everything was ok even though it wasn't.
Some of my favorite memories of Desiree are from when she was younger. She was so loved, and she gave that love right back. She always said “please” and “thank you.” That was just who she was. Kind, respectful, full of warmth. She was that special person who shined like a bright star, the kind of light you don’t realize the full impact of until it’s gone.
There is no formula for grief. No right way to go through it. Grief, to me, feels like a storm, gray skies, thunder, heavy and overwhelming. Some days it hits out of nowhere. But when the storm passes, even just for a moment, there’s a release. And in that release, there’s a small piece of sunshine… a smile that comes from remembering the joy Desiree brought into my life.
I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. Sorry for not seeing how much emotional pain and mental anguish she was in. That is something I carry with me.
But I also carry her.
I carry Desiree with me in every step I take, every move I make. I will continue to honor her life, her spirit, and the love she gave so freely. She was mama’s biggest cheerleader, and that love still pushes me forward, even on the hardest days.
Healing is not something that just happens. I have to put in the work every day. Sometimes that work looks like being still… sitting in the presence of Jesus and allowing Him to speak to my heart in ways no human ever could. In those quiet moments, I find strength. I find comfort. I find just enough peace to keep going.
And even in the middle of grief, I hold onto this, Desiree’s light didn’t leave. It lives on in me. Written by Claudia
